Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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