I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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