My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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