I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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