Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
