Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
