im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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