he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
