I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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