i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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