I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
