Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
