Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
