you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
