I wish my penis had an off switch
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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