i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
