dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
