I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
