I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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