Duck Duck Cougar?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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