I feel like abortions should bother me more
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
