Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
