The maid of honor just puked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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