The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
