The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
