dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think your dad took our porno
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
