I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We had sex on a dog bed..
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
