your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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