I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
