so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
