Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
