Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
