Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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