Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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