Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
