she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
