So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
