she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
