my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
