If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
