i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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