We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
