just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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