well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
