Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Alive.
So much puke
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
