apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
