I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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