Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
