I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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