The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
